On Becoming: The Endless Journey of Discovering Self
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Self-actualization is a fancy psychological way of describing the lifelong process of becoming more fully who you are. Some days, that journey feels like a free run on the beach with the wind at your back. Other days, it feels like sifting through a giant pile of clutter in your garage. In either case, this pursuit of self-discovery is a lifelong endeavor that, in and of itself, brings both clarity, joy, frustration, and pain.
I spent the majority of my life discounting myself. Discounting my thoughts. Discounting my value. While also highlighting my shortcomings. It felt safe, it felt comfortable. Being self-deprecating became my identity.
“I’m not smart.”
“I’m a mess.”
“I’m not good enough.”
I still struggle with negative self-talk. Even though intellectually I know I am capable, caring, productive, and overall not a bad person. I am not confused about the evidence. But there is another part of me that warns that if I really begin to accept the things I know and if I stop scrutinizing myself, I could become careless, selfish, dangerous, lazy, delusional, or even harmful. There may be some part of me that has adopted self-criticism as a means of safety, morality, humility, and even self-control.
These self-effacing deflections also became the way I related and connected with people. It became my shield and my anchor. It wasn’t until a mentor of mine (Thanks, Mike Martyn) told me, “Wes, if you keep telling people you’re an idiot, eventually they are going to believe you.” That simple truth rocked me off my path of blissful (albeit tacit) acceptance of who I perceived myself to be, leaving no hope for growth. That's when things started to shift for me.
That’s when I started stumbling my way toward radical self-acceptance.
Radical self-acceptance, as I have come to think of it, is the practice of telling the truth about yourself without turning that truth into a life sentence.
It does not mean:
“I love everything I’ve done.”
“I approve of every part of myself.”
“I don’t need to grow.”
“I’m off the hook.”
The “radical” part is that most of us are trained to believe we can only accept ourselves after we become better, cleaner, more successful, less messy, less afraid, less flawed.
Because understanding yourself intellectually and feeling worthy internally are two very different things. Acceptance is not the reward for healing. It is the starting line.
Here is the part I am wrestling with right now.
Motivation vs. the Pursuit of Worthiness
I love taking on challenges when they result in accomplishments that cannot be taken away from me. (Earning a degree, writing a book, being a business owner, etc.) I am deeply motivated by achievement.
That brings me to the realization I am sitting with right now: Part of my identity may have been built around being valuable instead of simply being worthy.
This highlights one of those times where discovery feels like finding a proverbial needle in the haystack.
I am currently working to unmoor the very real motivation that comes from achievement from the unhealthy belief that I have something to prove, and that I am less than unless I do.
One feels like fuel. The other feels like a debt I can never fully pay off.
How does one do that?
Thoughtfully.
There is no quick answer, no silver bullet for work like this. We learn these operating modes through a lifetime of conditioning, and things that lie that deep are not unlearned simply by recognition. What I am doing is practicing asking what is standing behind the drive.
Am I doing this for my own edification? Or am I doing this because I feel the need to prove something to someone else?
I am someone who lives heavily in reflection, analysis, growth, meaning, standards, and self-awareness. The upside is depth. The downside is that we often become exceptionally good at identifying where they fall short, so the challenge is learning to hold fast to the healthy drivers while letting go of the ones that feel less like motivation and more like pressure.
Knowing the Difference Is the Learning
I am a petty person. It’s a feature, not a bug.
I would be lying if I said my desire to get good grades in college was not, at least in part, driven by a desire to prove wrong the K-12 system that made me think, feel, and believe I was stupid. Every A is like a tiny middle finger to that system and my 2.18 high school GPA.
Is that inherently toxic? No. But if that were the sole reason I was in school (to prove something to someone else), that would definitely be toxic. Why? Because I am giving the power, control, and direction of my life over to the desire to be something to someone, rather than accepting that I am already enough.
As I stated before, acceptance is not the reward for healing. It is the starting line.
The reason I am pursuing my Ph.D. is that I want to. Because I enjoy school and want that achievement.
So what is the difference?
The result is the same, but the motivation reveals the driver, and our drivers provide a unique glimpse into our health and our hurts.
What I am learning is that when growth becomes a significant part of your identity, improvement can become a coping mechanism. And when improvement becomes how you survive, self-acceptance can start to feel dangerous. Because if I fully accept myself, part of me worries I’ll stop evolving.
Knowing my value is not the same thing as feeling it. So I am working to unlearn the message that I am most lovable when I am valuable.
This is why curiosity matters so much. Because without curiosity, self-reflection can easily become another weapon we use against ourselves.
Be Endlessly Curious About You
Love her or hate her, Taylor Swift will occasionally hit you with a pretty profound existential thought.
“I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror” might be one of the more powerful song lyrics I have heard in a hot minute.
A lot of people live their lives inside looking out, watching the world with all sorts of opinions about how everyone else should change.
We should aim to flip that.
Not to become self-absorbed. But because some people move through life relatively unaware of how they show up for others, they are too fixated on what everyone else is doing rather than looking in the mirror and asking what makes them tick.
I probably do not know you well, but I do know something about you:
You are wildly, wonderfully, weirdly, and endlessly complex.
The hard part about becoming internally curious is that we often turn it into an exercise in self-judgment. Trust me, I am an expert. As someone who spends far more time judging than appreciating myself, it is a seductive path, but a destructive one.
Doing self-work can start to feel less like discovery and more like a detective searching for a culprit. And that framing can make looking inward feel more like an inquisition than an exploration.
The framing I am trying to adopt, and maybe it could help you too, is this:
Less detective (Law & Order), more forensic scientist (CSI).
The former looks for flaws and motive. The latter simply examines the evidence without judgment. Let's play this out in the real world.
Imagine you snapped at your spouse after a long day.
The detective version of self-reflection immediately starts building a case:
“Why am I like this?”
“I am too reactive.”
“I always do this.”
“Maybe I am just selfish.”
Every piece of evidence gets twisted into a prosecution against your character.
The forensic scientist approaches the same moment differently:
“Interesting. I got defensive really quickly there.”
“I was already overwhelmed before the conversation started.”
“I think I felt criticized and went into protection mode.”
“I wonder why that specific comment hit me so hard.”
Same event.
Different framing.
One approach turns self-awareness into self-condemnation. The other turns self-awareness into understanding.
Curiosity changes the goal from proving you are broken to understanding how you became human.
So the next time you act in a way that surprises you, don’t just brush it off, and don’t turn it into a trial. Put away the badge and handcuffs. Pick up the magnifying glass.
You are worth getting to know.
And that may be one of the most important parts of becoming.
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